Tantrum Toddlers Need Your Help Not Your Yell.

Just when I was about to press the first key to conclude what we started last week on children’s developmental milestones, a younger sister of mine walked into my study with her 3-year-old boy, and said to me “Brother, this boy will not kill me”! Literarily meaning she’s fed up with the boy’s antics. She had actually come to seek for my assistance on how to handle the excessiveness and seemingly irrational behaviour of the boy.

Last week, we explored the lives of infants, particularly the core skills that infants must be reaching from week to week and month to month from 0- 12 months in motor, sensory, communication and feeding developmental milestones. We identified the red flags concerns and how parents and care-givers can quickly spot developmental delays and take the necessary action. To catch up, visit https://www.citizencomfort.com/2021/04/26/help-your-child-through-developmental-milestones/ .

To wrap up the developmental milestone in children, we shall take a look at the core skills of children from age range 2years to five. This developmental phase is characterized by tantrums, mood swings, defiance and other extreme behaviours.

Children psychologists and pediatricians call it “The Terrible 2s”. For the purpose of this article, we shall extend it from “The terrible 2s” to “The terrible 2s to 5s”. Children from 2 years of age are in the world of their own. The stage is characterized by intellectual and physical growth in toddlers. Toddlerhood is a stage where a child begins to walk and run, talk, have opinions, learn and have emotions, naturally wanting to explore their environment and do things on their own term. It’s a developmental phase that a child must go through from age 2 years to like four going to five.

The Terrible Twos to Fives

Children undergo big developmental changes from age 2. They are learning new gross motor skills, like jumping and climbing, and developing fine motor skills, like stacking blocks and scribbling with a crayon or marker. However, their verbal skills may lag behind other abilities. Not being able to express their wants and needs can be frustrating to children, often leading to the outbursts that characterize the terrible twos.

But because children’s verbal, physical, and emotional skills, at this stage, aren’t yet well-developed to adequately communicate or perform a task respectively, toddlers easily become frustrated. They exhibit their frustrations in the form of tantrums and or general ill- temperaments.

Without an emotional vocabulary to rely on, a child can quickly become frustrated and feel they have no means to express their feelings other than anger, outburst and or aggression.

From the terrible 2s stage, toddlers begin to act up. Almost putting up worrisome defiant behaviors. Saying No to virtually everything parents consider normal. Crying, whining, throwing things upside down, throwing themselves face down on the ground, kicking, hitting, biting and general aggression are all toddlers’ way of expressing themselves or asking for parents and care givers recognition, understanding, attention and support. You probably have experienced your toddler creating tantrum scenes on the road because you held the child’s hand, against his or her wish, to cross the road. Or you gave your toddler a drink that he or she dislikes, but because the child cannot express the dislike, he or she violently shove the drink away, sometimes breaking the container.

Photo: Amy Hilbrand

Future Identity

The temper tantrum and mood changes of this phase, is undoubtedly worrisome for parents and care givers, but experts say it’s a very defining phase. According to Robin Jacobson, a clinical assistant professor of pediatrics, this stage is where a child is testing boundaries to figure out right from wrong. It’s a stage where toddlers want to assert independence and learn how to communicate needs and desires, as well as learning to recognize that those desires may sometimes be different than those of the child’s caregivers. Parents/ care givers’ management of the toddler at this stage is crucial to the child’s future.  Toddlers’ tantrummy behaviours are developmental steps that help mold the child into the person he/she will become in the future.

Eliminating Mental Red Flag from Toddler’s Tantrums

Not all toddler’s tantrum and defiant behaviors can be passed off as phase of “the terrible twos to fives”. Experts say when outbursts are so prolonged, frequent, or disruptive that they affect child’s ability to eat, sleep, or attend day-care or preschool, it may be time to talk to an expert.

How do you differentiate a child’s tantrum behaviours from something more serious, like a mental health condition?  Pediatricians and child psychologists can help identify whether a child’s behavioral problems might be caused by treatable developmental delays, neurological differences, or other issues.

A 2008 study looked at temper tantrums in preschool aged-children (3 to 6 years old) and noted when the tantrums might suggest a mood or conduct disorder. According to the study, tantrums that consistently (more than half the time) include hitting, kicking, biting, or other forms of physical violence toward the parent or caretaker call for concern. Other red flags include:

-tantrums in which the child tries to injure themselves

-frequent tantrums, defined as tantrums that occur 10 to 20 times a day

-tantrums that last longer than 25 minutes, on average

-an inability of the child to ultimately calm themselves

When to seek help

The 2008 study noted that tantrums and defiance that come with the terrible twos are normal, but if you feel like the behavior is getting out of hand or you simply are overwhelmed, talk to your child’s pediatrician and or physician.

Experts say you must seek professional help if teachers or caretakers suggest something is wrong or you notice your child is:

-withdrawn or not seeking attention from others

-not making eye contact

-particularly aggressive or argumentative

-creating a lot of household stress

Your child’s doctor can give you tips for correcting the behavior and advise you if it’s necessary to get a mental health evaluation.

From Tantrum Toddlers to Positive Older Children

You would have probably reacted to tantrum toddler’s screaming and crying, by screaming back and yelling at them, while also threatening terrible punishment. Experts say it’s a wrong approach.  There is no way that a child in the midst of a tantrum will do well while being screamed at. This, according to them, only increases their frustration and fear.  Responding by yelling, screaming and or hitting communicates to your child that aggression is an acceptable means of communication and can make a temper tantrum worse.

There are some things that you can do to help a tantrum child (and yourself) through cases of the terrible twos to fives. The first step, according to peadiatrics and children psychologist, is to try to prevent common tantrums triggers, like fatigue, hunger, and frustration, which can trigger outbursts:

• Keep a consistent sleep schedule. Parents instinctively understand that if a child is overtired, they can get cranky. While you can’t always be home when a child gets sleepy, keeping nap times and bedtimes as consistent as possible will help keep your child’s moods steady.
• Keep food handy. Likewise, try to avoid outings when children are hungry or will soon need to eat. If you must be out with your child during a typical mealtime or snack time, pack food or plan ahead to find a place to order a bite that’s not far from your destination.
• Provide your toddler with a safe, childproofed environment. You won’t need to take a fragile object away from a 2-year-old—or deal with an ensuing meltdown—if these items are out of reach.
• Offer limited choices to your toddler. Let your child have some control by offering a choice between two things. For example, you might say “Would you like to wear your blue sweater or yellow jacket today?” or “would you like apple or orange?
• Try calm breathing techniques to avoid your own meltdown. When your child is bringing you to the edge of anger, take a moment for some belly breathing: Sit down and breathe deeply at least three times with your hand on your stomach, focusing on the rise and fall of your belly. This might help you approach your child’s troublesome behavior calmer and with empathy.

• Be forgiving with yourself. If you lose your cool, focus on how you might better meet a terrible two to fives moment next time. This stage is hard for parents, too! Navigating it requires practice and patience with your child and yourself.
•  Redirect your child’s attention Engage them with an object outside, a storybook, or a task they can help with.
• If you can’t distract them, ignore the behavior. Children of this age won’t recognize this as a parental strategy. Instead, it will communicate that this form of behavior will not get the response that they want.
• Don’t reward the behavior by giving your child a treat or something that they are demanding.
• If you are in public, take them aside without discussion or fuss and wait until they have calmed down. If you behave differently in public than you do in private, your child will sense this and it can become a battle of wills.
• Don’t dwell on the behaviour. If your child calms down and the behavior improves, don’t make a point of recounting the bad behavior or discussing the problem in detail. Instead, praise the good behavior—not with gifts but with words and affection.

When faced with the terrible twos to fives tantrums, you should always remind yourself that the child isn’t deliberately disobeying you.  Rather, your toddler is trying to express independence without fully developed communication skills.

Understanding the terrible twos to fives can help you not only cope with this developmental phase but find ways to better deal with it without anger or aggression. By accepting the changes your child is going through, and showing respect for their needs while also holding firm about your limits, you can help your child through this often-difficult stage and help build their confidence and make them better older children.

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