Marital bones of contention; The Health Concerns

And the man said “This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh”

Now, the bones are fracturing with so much excruciating pains because the holding centers; the flesh for the bones of marriage: love, trust, respect, honour, selflessness, communication, understanding and healthy sex are wanning and no longer holds the bones together. In some cases, the holding centers have completely given way for the bones to go their separate ways through divorce without regards for the negative impacts that the process had on the mental, psychological and socio-economic health of the spouse, the products of the marriage (the children), close relations and the society at large.

While we know that Citizen Comfort is a health guide forum and not a marriage counselling platform, we are equally well aware of the multifaced health consequences of spousal contentions. This is why we crave your indulgence to x-ray marriage disputes and their effects on the health of the stake holder; the secret to successful marriage; how spouses can navigate contentious issues in marriage before they turn to domestic violence that may lead to suicide, manslaughter, and or murder. And equally to help potential spouses to take informed decision whether to jump into the water of marriage, that may be sometime very hot or sometime too cold, or stay out of the water.

I still remember vividly the case of a couple that God intervened to prevent suicide and manslaughter for the wife and husband respectively. I remember this particular story because I was involved. And the story goes thus:

Nearly 20 years ago, six couples including my wife and I visited a mutual family friend for Sallah celebrations. Our host feted us beyond our imagination. And when it was time for our host to give the closing remarks, he admonished our wives to ensure that we did not waste the food and the drinks. Of course, we all understood his point. So, one of the wives, whose husband was on night duty for the production of one of the national dailies, said to our host “Uncle Axx, my husband and I may not be able to do what you wish because my husband is on night shift at work”. Then our host in his usual joking manner said to the husband, “please when you go to the office tonight ensure the food and drinks are not wasted.” That was all.

Only for me to be invited by the police to one private hospital in the early morning of the next day where my friend’s wife was on admission for injuries sustained while trying to commit suicide because she felt her husband possibly was not expending the energy from the food and drink on the newspaper production work but on another woman in his office.

The ludicrous part of the story was that the police DCO bluntly refused to release our friend from the cell promising to charge him to court the following morning for “failure to provide necessary”. We eventually got him released but that marriage was never the same again. That’s what distrust can do to a marriage.

Marriage can be full of fun and love if partners can work through their differences including pre-marriage and post-marriage differences. Successful marriages look spectacular and fantastic like bed of roses, but like our people say “yam must pass through fire funnels and serious pounding before becoming the much-cherished sweet pounded yam”, couples must work very hard through their differences to make the marriage successful. No marriage is ordained perfect, couples must work out perfection into their marriage.

Actually, there are a lot of bones of contention (dispute causers) in marriage. They include:

-anger

-lack of communication

-self centeredness

-distrust

-invalidation

-blame game

-feelings based love that can be deceitful

Before we go through empirical facts for the health hazards of these bones of contention, lets undertake a brief review of each of them.

 Anger

One philosophical saying about anger that I particularly like is “when you are angry do nothing because the consequences of your action might be worse than what causes the anger”. Anger is a marriage killer. A killer of relationships like in the case of Cain and Abel in the bible.  Uncontrolled, unchecked anger is one of the most destructive forces in marriage. Check your anger, put it under control for the betterment of your marriage. Your spouse can get you riled on so many issues, you owe your marriage the sacred calmness to control the situation.

Lack of Communication

Poor communication in a relationship threatens the very existence of the relationship. Poor communication drives couple apart. Like in our relationship with God, we need to communicate in, clear terms, those things that we want and those we don’t for God to answer. In marriage, couples must constantly deliberate on issues affecting the families to enshrine unity.  A marriage counselor once said neither the husband nor the wife is a clairvoyant to know what is bordering the partner. The only way to know is through communication.

 Self-Centeredness.

The marriage vows are easier said than done. To say “I take you to be my lawful, wedded wife/ husband, to have and to hold, from this day onward, for better for worse, for rich for poor, in sickness and in good health, to love and to cherish, till death do us part” is as simple as it is. But soon afterwards, cracks begin to show in the marriage. The couple like the Israelites “go unto your tent o Israel” because of self- centeredness. Yes, the couple are coming from different background with different beliefs and value system, it’s imperative for them to quickly marry their differences. They need to drop the stereotypes of their different background and begin to see issue from a fresh new perspective.

Selfishness has no place in marriage after the husband and wife are cleaved together as one.

Invalidation

Stephanie Baffone in what’s the secret to a happy marriage article said invalidation is a big problem in marriage. According to him, to look at your spouse in the face and say ‘You shouldn’t feel that way.’ or ‘That’s ridiculous.’ When you tell someone how they feel is ridiculous, it is the equivalent of issuing a stop work order on your relationship.

Yes, what your spouse said or did might not make sense to you or might even seem silly TO YOU, but to say that directly to someone else in a tone that invalidates their experience shuts them down. It’s much better to offer something like, ‘I understand that’s how you feel, but it doesn’t quite make sense to me. Help me understand.

There is no point condemning what your spouse is saying or doing, your marriage grows better when you help him or her to perfect what he/she is doing or saying

Blame Game.

Blame game in marriage started from the genesis. Adam was almost blaming God for given him Eve as help meet when he told God to blame Eve for his sin. Husbands easily blame wife for children’s misbehaviors while wives blame husbands in time of lack and so the blame game continues.

Marriage is for grown ups. Blaming each other for wrong doings is childish and destructive to the marriage. Before you point the finger of blame on each other, beware! Own up to your own blame, and then work together on solutions, regardless of who is to blame.

 Love based on feelings.

One minute you feel one way and the next you don’t. You may THINK you love your spouse, and always will. But it could be that you experienced infatuation, or a bio-chemical rush that lasted for a season. But now that you’re married you need to follow your “love” through with decisions to help it to grow. As Dr Phil McGraw said:

“Falling in love is only the first stage of love. It’s impossible to remain in that stage. A mature relationship will shift from dizzying infatuation to a deeper, more secure love. Don’t make the common mistake of thinking that when the initial wild passion fades you aren’t in love anymore. The answer is not to start a new relationship so you can recapture that emotional high with someone else. The answer is to learn how to move on to the next stages of love for a different but richer experience.” (Dr Phil McGraw)

“True love doesn’t happen by accident. It’s deliberate, it’s intentional, it’s purposeful and in the end…it’s worth it.” (Darlene Schacht)

Distrust

Distrust in any marriage relationship marks the beginning of the end of the marriage. Mutual distrust causes two partners to be suspicious of each other. You will continue to interpret each other’s moves and actions wrongly to the extent that the center may no longer hold

Sex

Sex is a major source of dispute in marriages. It gives emotional and physical pleasures to the couple. A sex therapist once described sex as the honey of marriage. Role of sex in marriage cannot be over-emphasized. But, somehow, physical, economic, health issues including stress, psychological issues are turning couple’s sex experience to nightmare.

So many marriages have collapsed on the account of sex issue. Wives accusing the husbands of rape. Of course, it will be tantamount to rape when you forced yourself on your wife without helping her to get to her G-spot. Husband accusing the wives of sex denials on the account of her religion activities. Wives and husbands accusing each other of lack of romance and so on and so forth

These contentious bones in marriages must be managed before they turn to harbingers of bad health for all concerned.

Join us next week to know the health implications of marital bone of contention; how to manage both the contentious issues and the health hazards

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