And the man said “This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh”
Now, the bones are fracturing with so much excruciating pains as the holding flesh- love, trust, respect, honor, selflessness, communication, understanding, and healthy sex are waning and pulling the bones apart.
In many cases, the bones have gone their separate ways through a divorce with no regard for the negative impacts that the process had on the mental, psychological, and socio-economic health of the spouse, the products of the marriage (the children), close relations, and the society at large.
We at, Citizen Comfort, are not trying to do the work of a marriage counselor here, our interest is in the health hazards of marriage disputes and their effects on the health of the stakeholders; the secret to successful marriage; how spouses can navigate contentious issues in marriage before they turn to domestic violence that may lead to suicide, manslaughter, and or murder. It is also important to help potential spouses decide whether to jump into the water of marriage, which may be sometimes very hot or sometimes too cold, or stay out of the water.
I remember a story about a family friend that God intervened to prevent suicide and manslaughter for the wife and husband respectively. I remember this particular story because I was involved.
Nearly 30 years ago, six couples including my wife and I visited a mutual family friend for Salah celebrations. Our host entertained us with lots of food and drink. And when it was time for our host to give the closing remarks, he admonished our wives to ensure we did not waste the food and the drinks. Of course, we all understood him. So, one of the wives, whose husband was on night duty for the production of one of a national dailies, said to our host “Uncle, my husband and I may not be able to do what you wish because my husband is on night shift at work”. Then our host in his usual joking manner said to the husband, “Please when you go to the office tonight ensure the food and drinks are not wasted.” That was all.
Only for me to be invited by the police to one private hospital in the early morning of the next day where my friend’s wife was on admission for injuries sustained while trying to commit suicide because she felt her husband possibly was not expending the energy from the food and drink on the newspaper production but on a side chick.
The ludicrous part of the story was that the police DCO bluntly refused to release our friend from the cell promising to charge him to court the following morning for “failure to provide necessary”. We eventually got him released but that marriage was never the same again. That’s what a bone of distrust can do to a marriage.
Marriage can be full of fun and love if partners can work through their differences including pre-marriage and post-marriage differences. Successful marriages look spectacular, fantastic like the bed of roses, but like our people say “yam must pass through fire funnels and serious pounding before becoming the much-cherished sweet pounded yam”, couples must work very hard through their differences to make the marriage successful. No marriage is ordained perfect, couples must work out perfection into their marriage.
Here are disputes causers in marriages:
-anger
–hangry that’s anger caused by hunger (poverty)
-lack of communication
-self-centeredness
-distrust
-invalidation
-blame game
-feelings-based love that can be deceitful
-healthy sex
Let’s briefly review each of these bones of contention before we review empirical facts about their health hazards.
Anger
One philosophical saying about anger that I particularly like is “When you are angry do nothing because the consequences of your action might be worse than what causes the anger”. Anger is a relationship killer including marriage. Uncontrolled anger is one of the most destructive forces in marriage. Check your anger, and put it under control for the betterment of your marriage. Your spouse can get you riled on so many issues, you owe your marriage the sacred calmness to control the situation.
Hangry
Our people say “A hungry man is an angry man” Feeling hangry (a combination of hungry and angry) can significantly impact relationships, including marriage. When someone is hangry, the blood glucose levels drop, which can lead to irritability, impatience, insensitivity, and a lack of self-control.
To mitigate these effects, it’s important to maintain regular eating habits and communicate openly with your partner about your needs. Keeping healthy snacks on hand and planning meals can help prevent hangry moments from disrupting your relationship.
Lack of Communication
Poor communication in a relationship threatens the very existence of the relationship. Poor communication drives the couple apart. Like in our relationship with God, we need to communicate in clear terms those things that we want and those we don’t for God to answer. In marriage, couples must constantly deliberate on issues affecting the families to ensure unity. A marriage counselor once said neither the husband nor the wife is a clairvoyant to know what is bordering the partner. The only way to know is through communication.
Self-Centeredness.
The marriage vows are easier said than done. To say “I take you to be my lawful wedded wife/ husband, to have and to hold, from this day onward, for better for worse, for rich for poor, in sickness and good health, to love and to cherish, till death do us part” is as simple as it is. But soon afterward, cracks begin to show in the marriage. Yes, the couple come from different backgrounds with different beliefs and value systems, so it’s imperative for them to quickly marry their differences. They need to drop the stereotypes of their different background and begin to see issues from a new perspective.
Invalidation
Stephanie Baffone in an article “What’s the secret to a happy marriage” said invalidation is a big problem in marriage. According to him, to look at your spouse in the face and say ‘You shouldn’t feel that way.’ or ‘that’s ridiculous.’ Is invalidating. When you tell someone how they feel is ridiculous, it is the equivalent of issuing a stop work order on your relationship.
Yes, what your spouse said or did might not make sense to you or might even seem silly to you, but to say that directly to someone else in a tone that invalidates their experience shuts them down. It’s much better to offer something like, ‘I understand that’s how you feel, but it doesn’t quite make sense to me, help me understand.
There is no point condemning what your spouse is saying or doing, your marriage grows better when you help him or her to perfect what he/she is doing or saying
Blame Game.
The blame game in marriage started from the genesis. Adam in the book of Genesis was more or less blaming God for giving him Eve as help meet when he told God to blame Eve for eating the forbidden fruit. Husbands easily blame their wives for children’s misbehaviors while wives blame husbands in times of lack and so the blame game continues.
Marriage is for grown-ups. Blaming each other for wrongdoings is childish and destructive to the marriage.
Love based on feelings.
One minute you feel one way and the next you don’t. You may THINK you love your spouse, and always will. But it could be that you experienced infatuation or a bio-chemical rush that lasted for a season. But now that you’re married you need to follow your “love” through with decisions to help it to grow. As Dr Phil McGraw said:
“Falling in love is only the first stage of love. It’s impossible to remain in that stage. A mature relationship will shift from dizzying infatuation to a deeper, more secure love. Don’t make the common mistake of thinking that when the initial wild passion fades you aren’t in love anymore. The answer is not to start a new relationship so you can recapture that emotional high with someone else. The answer is to learn how to move on to the next stages of love for a different but richer experience.” (Dr Phil McGraw)
“True love doesn’t happen by accident. It’s deliberate, it’s intentional, it’s purposeful and in the end…it’s worth it.” (Darlene Schacht)
Distrust
Distrust in any marriage relationship marks the beginning of the end of the marriage. Mutual distrust causes two partners to be suspicious of each other. You will continue to interpret each other’s moves and actions wrongly to the extent that the center may no longer hold.
–healthy sex
Unhealthy sexual dynamics can significantly impact marriages. Apart from the function of procreation, sex is supposed to be fun and pleasurable with couple. Sexual disconnection between husband and wife can lead to a loss of intimacy and emotional closeness between partners. This can make individuals feel isolated and misunderstood. It can also cause resentment and rejection which can further lead to breakdown in communication and trust.
Lack of healthy sex can increase stress and anxiety which further exacerbates sexual problems.
Unresolved sexual dissatisfaction can sometimes lead to infidelity as one or both partners seek fulfillment outside the marriage.
A lack of sexual satisfaction can negatively affect mental health, leading to issues such as depression and low self-esteem.
Addressing the sex health issues and seeking professional help are important to improving the sexual health of a marriage.
These contentious bones in marriages must be managed before they become harbingers of bad health for the stakeholders.
Join us next week to learn the health implications of marriage palaver and how to manage both the contentious issues and the health hazards
Source: Dare Agbeluyi, Chief Publisher.
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